What makes a good Tinder? That’s tough. As a copywriter, you’d hope I’d have some special insight into writing a great dating-app profile, but I don’t. (They’re hard! It’s an irreplicable mix of an individual personality and general punchiness.) If anything, copywriters specifically are apparently a dime a dozen. Tinder in Brooklyn is 98% PR/ad people, Vice employees, and 42-year-old 37-year-olds. Woo!

Let’s start with what makes a bad profile. Bad is anything about travel, “exploring the city,” or whiskey, which, while acceptable as IRL interests, are badly overplayed on Tinder. You might as well write “live, laugh, love.”

Whiskey seems particularly overplayed on women’s profiles. I guess they want to indicate that they’re “chill” and “down” and can “hang with the guys.” Which, if we can really be real, could be a symptom of the patriarchy’s ceaseless, insidious insistence that maleness is more valuable than femaleness. And who am I to tell women how to navigate that? This is how I end up with a Tinder bio that just says “I’m so sorry.” But enough about me—back to more unsolicited advice about your dating life. (Just call me “mom.” IF YOU EVER CALL ME.)

Mentioning your existentialist reading list is a bad sign, especially for men, especially after the age of 20. Obviously the same goes for Ayn Rand, except the age limit is 16. And 16-year-olds shouldn’t be on Tinder.

One of the better bios I saw in my time on Tinder played with expectations in a self-aware way: “DTF – Down to Talk about Feelings.” I instagrammed it, only to have a NYMag acquaintance pop up in the comments and explain that the random Tinder-er stole the line from one of her articles. Nothing is real.

I have one final piece of advice: don’t say you’re sapiosexual. It’s a bad signal. You want someone smart? Cool. That’s not a distinguishing criterion. How do you want them to use their intelligence? What are your actual interests? Would you say you wanted someone “strong”? Yeah, I guess you would. Well as a former late pick in gym-class dodgeball, I object to that too.

The real reason not to call yourself sapiosexual is the way people talk about it on the internet. I’m sorry to share this image, but the people need to know.

sapio noooooo

Your MCM/WCW might LOVE the above image, and untold other unacceptable things—and you might not find out until months into the relash. Which leads me to my REAL dream: a dating app in which the profiles display your bottom three worst qualities as a partner. He chews with his mouth open, he’ll always flirt with your friends, and he’s got a smidge of a gambling problem. Finally, an app that saves time for REAL. That’s disruption. Someone make it: I’ll “swipe right.” 😉 😘 ⚰️

  • Alex Howe